Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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