So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
