I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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