If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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