Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
