While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Help. Why am I so naked?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
