after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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