we have pet lesbian snakes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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