You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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