I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
