literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
