Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
