Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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