my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
