She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
