i think my mom watched the whole time
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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