If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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