Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
