I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
