I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
