i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
