Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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