He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
