well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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