dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
