false alarm. still invincible.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
