Your face is a jimmy john
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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