we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
