I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this just has baby written all over it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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