i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
