Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
