babies were throwing up all over the place
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
