my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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