how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
