arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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