At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
