if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
