I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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