420 ftw
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
