don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
