I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
