Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
