DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
