butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
