Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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