He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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