i permit you to call me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Randomize
