bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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