he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
