just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
